Tiny Hand

2014/08/25

Life of Pi(e) - Or - How (NOT) to Lose Weight

Do you know this movie called "Life of Pi"? Well, what a dumb question, of course you do.
It may be one of my favorite movies, even though not many seem to share my love for this film. I'm a huge fan of cinematic drama, big pictures, fantasy and images that have an impact on me and my feels.
There was this one scene in particular that took my breath away. A scene shot from above the boat in the middle of the night. The water reflects the night sky and all of these tiny little stars like a mirror. It was my first ever 3D experience since these old green/red-glass-thingies. I was in awe. It looked like Pi, the tiger and the boat were floating upside down across the firmament. Unfortunately, I can't find a picture for that scene on the Web, but this is what it looks like in my memory.
Yep, I'm Pi here.
Another reason for me to like this film was the story of the book. Basically, Pi tells two different stories. And even though one seems more likely than the other, both could be possible in some way. Or maybe it's a combination of both that happened. 

I want to tell you a story. Or rather two short ones, to be exaxt. You decide which one is real or whether any of these stories really happened that way.
I already mentioned on this blog that I lost a few pounds (see below).

Before
 and After (wearing the same clothes)
Many, many friends, family members and acquaintances asked me how I lost all this weight. Recently, I've been getting more and more frustrated with the same question being asked over and over again, which is why I want to tell you how I did it and, thereby, end this bugging questioning.


-- O N E --
I felt miserable when I looked into the mirror. I liked my broad shoulders and my body type, because a six-pack is not what I look for in a person. Appearance may be of some importance, but there's nothing better than humor, a cute smile or an exciting conversation. Unfortunately, the rest of the world can be extremely superficial. To the extent that you cannot even come close to getting to know a person if said person is not interested in you. Look-wise. So, you have to look a certain way to be part of this bubble of attractive people. If you don't fit their criteria, you need to go back to your own bubble, the bubble of average-looking people where only average-looking people date each other. At least that's what I thought at that time.
And then my inner demon took over. The demon that is self-destructive and that doesn't care if I suffer; who, maybe, enjoys my suffering. So I started to eat less. And less. And even less. There were days when I had difficulties to cross the corridor at my university because of malnutrition. If I ate more than I allowed myself, I would sometimes throw some of it up again, just to make sure it wouldn't end up on my hips. I would take laxatives to lose weight, I started to smoke cigarettes every once in while, I did everything imaginable. Sometimes, when I met my friends for a cooking (and drinking) evening, I would starve myself throughout the day just to prevent eating and drinking too much calories in the end. Or, I would not want to eat at all and look forward to a night full of drinking, because with less meat on my bones and not as much food in my stomach, the alcohol would work better. 
I shed kilo after kilo, bought t-shirts several sizes smaller than my old shirts and somehow enjoyed being "normal". Then - a few months too late - people asked me if everything's okay, whether they should be concerned about my well-being or not. This is when I realized that I had crossed the line. Up until now, I managed to normalize my diet. Stress and the resistance of that bitchy demon make me suffer some small setbacks, but all in all, I'm rather healthy again. I like the new me, it's just the way I got there that may be questionable.




 -- T W O --
It's true, I was a hot mess. I ate what was within reach and did not think about doing sports at all. I mean, why do something that I do not enjoy WHATSOEVER if you can eat some yummy pie instead, right??
Then, some day, I looked into the mirror and I felt miserable. Maybe because of my appearance, maybe because of the beauty stigma that was superimposed upon me via the media. I knew I had to do something. I've always been that kinda-funny fat kid, sociable and harmless. I wanted to be taken seriously. I wanted to feel somewhat attractive for once. I considered doing weird stuff like throwing up or just plain not-eating, but your body is a temple, right? So I x-ed chocolate from my meal plan, reduced the average size of my meals and tried to eat a little bit healthier. I found out some tricks that help dieting: Drinking ice-cold water (because your body burns calories while bringing the water to your body temperature), using a tiiiiny little fork/spoon (eating takes a lot longer with baby-sized cutlery) and brushing your teeth earlier at night (who wants to eat something savory if you still got dat sweet, minty taste in yo mouth?). I learned a lot from cooking with friends and youtube videos, thereby getting some more tips for my nutrition. I'm still nowhere near being REALLY healthy, since I still have some slips with dem nomnoms, but I exchanged snacks and overeating with vegetables and consideration. I'm still not sure how I lost over 30kg in (not even) half a year, but it seems to work! I was able to hypnotize myself to be a (kind of) healthier person. It took very low self-esteem and shame for me to do so, but hey, it worked! And if you have the same problem as I did, I encourage you to do the same! Come to the healthy side, we...umm... may not have cookies... but gluten-free, organic, lactose-free crackers! ^^''

I hope that I'll never get this annoying question again, now that I shared two possible versions...
So which one is true: The depressing one or the "healthy" one? Or maybe both? You decide!

The moral of this post: Society puts a shit load of pressure on all of us. Stretch marks, love handles, pigment disorders, skin issues - ALL of these things are natural and common. Just because you have one or two flaws doesn't mean you don't have the right to feel attractive. Don't think you need to change to fit into one of the many boxes or bubbles society lays out ready for occupation. If you want to change: Do it! If not: Work dem curves, hunty!


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~music time~

Let's forget about weight, health and boring life stories and turn it around with something more upbeat - literally! A selection of the finest tunes I encountered in the last few weeks. Enjoy!





Shura - Touch




2014/07/23

Bachelor=student+single

This isn't just an ordinary life update!
This is a VERY ordinary life update!!!

There hasn't been a blog post in all of June. A blogging break for over a month! And why? Because I was busy. Wait, WHAAA? YOU were busy?! Hellz yeah!

Let's stop the clock for a sec and look at a fat-ass, juicy slice of time!
Right now I'm in a shitty kind of gray area between being a student and working as a responsible adult; between asexuality and longing for the D; between insanity induced by stress and being permanently attached to my bed due to sloth-like behaviour.

I got everything I need to finally end this energy-sapping learning phase. Hurray! Most of my recent exams were oral exams (which comes as close to anything oral-related as it gets, hahahuuuu). But even though my professors love my voice and its qualities, are happy with the content I create and think that my answers to their questions meet their expectations, I'm still suuuuper nervous before each exam. I studied 4! damn! years! and I still act as if I'm a startled 13-year-old in front of his judgemental classmates. Whenever I get a new task, I black out and become a lunatic trainwreck!
video
The only thing that kept me from losing what is left of my sanity was succeeding and shining as the leading role in a live audio play with my fellow students, an adaptation of the fairy tale "Jorinde and Joringel".
People complimented me on my role and our group was happy with the outcome of several weeks full of hustle and bustle. As you can see, I enjoyed the performance. Very much so.

Anyway, I got almost all of the credits I need to wave goodbye to this hellhole of an institution and I even have a topic for my bachelor thesis - everything that's missing are some texts and studies that can help me out.
The more I try to find anything related to CMC (computer-mediated communication) and its influence on current everyday language use (which is a fucking nice topic, if you ask me!), the more I get frustrated.
The more I get frustrated, the more I shut down.
The more I shut down, the more I eat, play games, watch animes and procrastinate in general.
And the more I procrastinate, the more furious I get about my fat lazy ass 
and my inability to focus on my goal.
It's a never-ending spiral of confusion and frustration.
But once I've done all this, I'm gonna celebrate like I've never celebrated before. Champagne, lobster, bitchez, bling and gettin' crunk like no other! MARK MY WORDS!

And as it seems, not-learning and procrastinating are the only things I do in my comfy bed besides eating and sleeping. Nope, no booty hole gets its well-deserved attention. No pole gets polished. Not a single button gets pushed and there's no valve for any kind of tension or pressure.

But Max, you've lost soooo muuuch weight! You look so much better now blahblah there must be a boy for you somewhere blahblah I bet dem boys go crazy for you hahahablahblah!!1!11!!!!
It does make a difference, of course. Weighing over 30kg less than a year ago makes me look like a different person and somewhat comparable to the typical mainstream small town twinkboy. But it's mostly just guys over 40 that would like a piece of some young, inexperienced boy ass that isn't totally worn out. Or guys around the age of 18 which derive from the XD-generation - meaning a generation that has no problems but THINKS it has a shitload of them and which is barely able to write a full sentence without sounding like it misses half of its brain. And unfortunately, the rest of the guys that are interested in me hasn't really been my type, yet.

Which made me think... Since there ain't a guy out there that is really into me as much as I'm into him and since I can't put a ring on my laptop because it doesn't have a finger for it to put on, I should just marry the other thing that's just as close to my heart and that knows how to make me happy!
I've known it for all of my life, we've been through dick and thin, it knows my special places and we're basically already attached to each other!
..."Rightie", darling? Would you... would you share the rest of your life with me, no matter what cums our way?


And so, Max and his right hand lived happily ever after.
THE END.
(EPILOG: Max' right hand supports him with his bachelor thesis and he finally gets his degree. Yay.)


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~music time~

This time, I thought I'd switch it up a bit. I cannot give you a long-ass list of songs that I've found since my last blog post. There are just way too many. So I made a little playlist for you guys! 15 songs from the past 2 months that I've arranged in a beautiful sound bouquet for your hearing pleasure. ENJOY, MOTHAFUCKAS, ENJOY!